I’m afraid of stagnation and judgment. Of being defined by one thing that people think they know. Of defining myself with a few words that people will never truly understand. Of being the odd one out.
I’m afraid of hurting even more than I already do. I’m afraid of rich lobbyists who think they know best when that’s being proven more wrong every day. Afraid of old politicians who think that everything is defined by genitals, the same thing they won’t admit they just want control of. I’m afraid of all of them making rules that try to define me and people like me out of existence for their own shits and giggles. Afraid that people will use that as even more of an excuse to be cruel and try to make me hide.
I’m afraid that one day I’ll start to believe them and go back to being a shell of the person I am now. Afraid that I’ll want to hide. Afraid that people like me will either be seen as pussys too afraid to be a man or lost little girls in need of guidance. Afraid that I’ll start to believe every lie they tell us about being transgender.
But what I’m most afraid of is that in all of the chaos about what is mostly others trying to define me… I’ll lose myself, whoever, or whatever that may be. I’ll lose exactly what they want me to lose, my sense of self, my right to be who I am, and the right to call myself what I feel and be as such. I’m afraid that they’ll take away my right to exist happily and freely, as they are trying to do with so many people now.
Essentially, I’m afraid that who I truly am, that part of myself that tells me to hold myself up high no matter what the cost will be silenced and buried.
I am autistic, trans (under whatever part of the umbrella that might be), and I know for a fact that me being here, and standing up despite my fear is exactly what they’re afraid of. Because the thing they’re most afraid of is that I’m not alone.
Atlas Ez Poetry 